Thursday, December 13, 2007

Living in Shadows

I finally deleted my Myspace account because out of all my "friends" no one actually TALKED to me.

I had that account so I could talk to friends and over time, realized that I don't really have any that want me around.

The people that I thought were my friends I really haven't seen in years.

It's really depressing to be honest.

I try to talk to them, but they have no time or inclination to talk to me anymore.
It got to the point where checking my Myspace account was about the same to going home day after day, week after week, to an answering machine that no one calls.
I figure after 2 years if anyone wanted to talk to me, they would have, so it was just time for me to go.

It is no secret that I have been battling depression all of my life.
The holidays are NOT helping matters any.
Since 1997 the holidays are a living hell for me.
That was the year I lost my husband, home, and business in the same week and ended up living in a van for nearly a year.

Nothing like being homeless for the holidays.

I have never gotten over it.

Sick thing is, I was working a full time job the whole time I was homeless, I was just one of those people that fell through the cracks.
No one wants to rent a room to someone that doesn't already have one.
You would think after 10 years of not being homeless I would have gotten over it, but I haven't.

I have had that unwanted feeling ever since.
It is the root of a lot of my anxiety.
If I dare to find happiness it will get taken away in the blink of an eye.

Christmas is not a happy time for me.

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